Like I’m Gonna Lose You

Like I’m Gonna Lose You by Meghan Trainor and John Legend has been on repeat at our house, and in the car. Not only is our four-year-old singing this song morning, noon and night, she has also requested the Spanish version and alternates between languages. While she is actually learning Spanish from this song, she also has her own version of Spanish. (She also has her own version of Cantonese.)

The first time I heard this song was while I was pregnant and it brought me to tears. The lyrics are so powerful and this love song really rang true for where my heart was. It reminded me of my family. It’s now a love song between my children and I, my girls that I have to hold here, and my babies that wait for me in heaven. The chorus reads:

So I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna hold you
Like I’m saying goodbye wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted ’cause we’ll never know when
When we’ll run out of time so I’m gonna love you
Like I’m gonna lose you
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you

I have cried over my daughters while singing this song with them in my arms.

The hardest lesson I’ve learned these past two years is that there are no guarantees. You can plan, but there is really no certainty in the future. With babies, we plan, we envision, we hope, we dream, and yet, we are not promised tomorrow. With each pregnancy more and more fear grew, and by the fourth pregnancy, I was terrified of connecting with my baby. Even after feeling her move inside of me for weeks, I was still afraid of losing her. I feared labour and delivery because that would be a whole different set of unknowns and you cannot predict what complications may arise.

Uncertainty of the future robs us of the present.

And so I try to cherish each moment. Every kiss, every hug, every sleepless night because we never know when we’ll run out of time. Loss has changed me, forever. It has made me value ordinary moments and has made me more patient with my daughter’s requests. While the face of grief has introduced mental health battles into my life, it has made me more compassionate, and my heart for others has grown because of it.

Here on earth, I hold my daughters. I catch their tears. I walk with them in their sorrow. I’ll stand by them when they experience pain, all while knowing I’ve delivered two angels into heaven where there are no tears, no sorrow or pain. (Revelation 21:4)

This song is a reminder of love and loss. Loss has made me a different mother than I envisioned. I am more authentic and emotionally transparent because of it. I’ll admit that it is terrifying not being promised tomorrow, but with whatever strength I have, I hold tightly to hope, trusting that God will keep His promises for me. (Hebrews 10:23)

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