I’m feeling anxious today. Actually I’ve been feeling anxious for this past week. I’ve been trying to figure out why because there has been no major event, no emotional trigger, but life has just continued with the everyday events as weeks before. Then I lift my eyes to the calendar. I see the days of March coming to an end.
March 31 was the day I prayed the hardest tear-filled prayers I have ever lifted to heaven. I cried out to the Lord, “No, no, no. Please don’t let this happen again.” Please do not let me miscarry, again. As the hours passed, hope began slipping out of my grasp. That evening I fell asleep against the saturation of my tears on my pillow.
I woke up the next day fearful of going to the bathroom, afraid of what I might discover. Every horrific thought I had became true in the matter of moments. I was cramping and my body was convulsing from tears that were being shed. “I’m bleeding” were the only two words I could text to my husband who was already at work. He hurried home and took me to the hospital.
April 1, a day I spent five hours in the emergency room waiting to confirm my second miscarriage. I wish it was just an April Fools’ Day joke, but it was my reality. My reality was being asked, “You’re not having a good day are you?” by one of the nurses. My reality was having my veins poked at, drawing blood to see if my hormones were appropriate for being five weeks pregnant. My reality was waiting hours for an ultrasound, only be told by the technician, “I don’t see a heartbeat.” My reality was having the doctor perform a pelvic exam because he wanted “to see if…..” and his sentence trailed off. He wanted to see if my cervix was open, indicating that I was in labour.
The first day of April is a day that we get to pull a few pranks or tell a few jokes without having to worry too much about the repercussions. We follow up on our pranks with “April Fools'” and usually all is forgiven. Jokes are supposed to be lighthearted and not taken seriously, except what if you are broken-hearted? A person with a broken heart does not have the capacity to hold a joke, or a prank. A person with a broken heart is just trying to survive. A person who is miscarrying (yes it’s a verb, not a quick event like the movies portray) is trying to breathe. This is the same for a person who is infertile, had a stillbirth or an infant loss. We are just trying to breathe.
Breathing is particularly hard around April 1 because one of the easiest ways to get a rise out of people is by posting a fake pregnancy announcement. Yes, you can tell me not to take it to heart, that it was a practical joke and to ignore it, but it stings my heart because I had a baby, and then I didn’t. I didn’t practically miscarry. I lost my baby. That’s something I can’t ignore.
I don’t often use this platform to ask you to consider changing your actions, or to agree with my views, but this April Fools’ Day, can I ask that you refrain from posting a fake pregnancy announcement for the sake of the women in your life? One in four women experience pregnancy loss. If you have more than four women on your social media sites, would you consider guarding the hearts of those women in your life?
We never know which of our loved ones are suffering in silence.
A mama of two angel babies
I post to Facebook nearly every day and would love to connect with you there.