Happy Birthday, My Dear Rainbow Baby

Dearest Rainbow Baby,

I cannot believe a year has passed since you have joined our family. Memories of carrying you are still fresh. When I close my eyes, I can still feel your kicks against my ribs, and your punches against my abdomen upon hearing your sister’s voice.

My dear Rainbow Baby, I have to admit it was a terrifying journey bringing you into this world. For thirty nine weeks while you were in my womb, I had a difficult time connecting with you. There was no doubt of my love for you, but I was so afraid of loving you too much because I had a fear of losing you. Saying good-bye to your brother and sister left me empty, and I feared I’d have to say good-bye to you too. Even in the delivery room with the nurse reassuring me of your healthy heartbeat, I still wasn’t convinced I’d get to hold you.

When the doctor put you on my chest, the biggest sigh of relief released from my body. Twenty some odd hours of labour, and there you were, a squirmy, slimy, little being against my skin. We cuddled for thirty minutes before the nurses cleaned and examined you. I didn’t want to let you go, but Daddy wanted a turn to hold you too.

The first nine months of your life were a little cloudy for Mommy. Thank you for your patience as I learned to be your mom. Thank you for allowing me to navigate through postpartum depression and anxiety, and for allowing me to say “I don’t know what to do” on many occasions.

You love your big sister so much. Even at only a few weeks of age, you recognized her voice, and looked for her. As each month passed, you began to follow her more and more, wanting to be next to her, playing with her toys, and attempting to taste many. Now you are crawling to catch up to her, and will walk with assistance towards her. Last night you spent many minutes smacking your big sister in the face, then leaned in to hug and kiss her, and repeated this many times.

Mealtime or snack time is one of your favourite times of day. You continue to surprise me with how much you can consume. For breakfast you can easily have half a banana, cheese, and a whole piece of toast! Carbs and fruit are your favourite, and you seem to dislike carrots, spitting them back out, and throwing them on the floor.

My dear Rainbow Baby, you are now transitioning to toddlerhood and I stand amazed at how quickly time has passed. You are a mischievous little one who will climb anything and will try to eat any object at least once. You are my last baby. I know I will never have another chance to experience all these firsts that are happening so quickly. Your little teeth popping up are the last little ones I will get to brush. The clothes you outgrow will be the last set of baby clothes I will wash and fold. Your little hands and feet that fit within my hand will soon outgrow a size I can cup in my palm. Your baby babbles are the last babbles to ring in my ears as you will soon have words. These sleepless nights I complain about will soon be silent as you learn to sleep through the night.

Happy birthday, my dear Rainbow Baby. Learning to love you has not come without its own anxieties. Thank you for showing me how to love through fear, and in spite of fear. Thank you for teaching me to love to the fullest. Loving you has been worth every risk my heart has had to make. You my love, are a promise that after each storm comes a rainbow.

Love you always,
Mommy

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