I want to thank you. So many of you have been writing and texting to check-in and I appreciate every message. There has been a village around my family offering support and I am so grateful. Things have not been easy since my hospital stay. One large lesson I have learned so far is that healing is not linear, and this has been a very frustrating lesson. I have also acknowledged that grief, forgiveness, and many of the challenges we face are NOT linear! We live in a linear timeline and things requiring healing operate out of time. It’s two steps forward, one step back, a zigzag, goes upside down, and so on.
Learning to submit myself to rest has been a challenge. I am so used to pushing through to be what I think others expect of me and worse, to be what I expect of myself. During this time of finding healing I am learning to listen to my body. I ignore my body a lot because it’s in constant pain. The constant pain makes me enter anger, grief, and disappointment more than I wish to.
As I listen to my body more, I’m learning it has a lot to say. It is usually right, even though I try to argue with it. I don’t give my body the credit it deserves. Most days I get up with the girls, get them breakfast, help them get ready for the day, and I’m honestly ready for bed at 9:30am because I’m so fatigued. I will then push myself to go to an appointment, or run an errand. This then often leaves me feeling nauseous or can trigger vertigo in addition to this constant state of dizziness I have been experiencing. I’m trying to navigate this new space of honouring my body and it is difficult, however, I can say my resentment towards my body is slowly melting.
I am a doer. Requiring hours in bed per day has been such a battle, especially when I want to be present for my daughters and husband. At the same time, I know I cannot pour from an empty cup. In my work with my therapist I admitted that the last four years have felt like I’ve just been coping, and at this point in my life, I am finally moving towards healing. There is some deep work being done, which also contributes to feeling physically ill. Giving myself over to the healing process and releasing control has been a journey in itself. I’m a bit of a control freak (or maybe a lot if you as my hubby), so you can imagine how that piece is going.
In one of the books I’m reading (I actually have time to read!) it talks about our spheres of influence and it how we have to start in the sphere of self. I am not used to resting in or nurturing the self. These past few months have been an invitation to rest and to heal, and it has taken me this long to say yes and recognize my own limits.
As I sat in my aunt’s garden yesterday enjoying a quiet moment of rest, my husband pointed out a visiting hummingbird. It fluttered throughout the garden and came right up to me, stopping for just a second, directing its wings towards me. Though small, hummingbirds are resilient and can travel great distances as they persevere through storms. Such a little bird brought much encouragement and whispered into my spirit. At this time, my medical team is requesting that I spend more time resting and recovering before resuming my regular activities. Treatment (self-injections) is likely to start again for me in a couple of weeks which will bring on symptoms and increase fatigue. I know my journey is long from over and I thank you for continuing to journey alongside my family. Many things have shifted in a short time (think non-linear). The hummingbird is a reminder that there is joy in the ongoing journey of healing.
May each of you find joy as you fly tirelessly through your journey and know that you are never flying alone.
With love and light,