Publishing the Story of our Miscarriages

word alive press

After our first miscarriage, God put on my heart to share our story. I argued with Him for a long time about doing so. The more I put it off, the more the burden grew in my heart to share our story, so I began writing the details down for myself. Oddly enough, when I had finished my initial thoughts, I marked it as "Chapter 1." With it being only one month after the miscarriage, it was incredibly hard to write, but internally, I knew it would have a purpose one day. Reading the story back to myself was more difficult...

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The Road to Forty Weeks – Week 15

Week 15 pregnancy

Well, I've survived another two nauseous, low blood pressure weeks on bed rest. The anti nausea medication I was on really affected my mood, so I took myself off last week and have just started to feel better this week. I'm able to walk around the house a little, I even sat to fold some laundry! Yes, I'm celebrating small victories. While I was on that medication I couldn't even talk at times because I was so sedated. I had an ultrasound earlier this week. I've been going every two weeks for the first trimester and this was my last one...

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Depression Won Today

depression blog

Depression won today and told me I was worthless. It told me I couldn't do anything, that I am nothing and should just stop trying all together. Depression won today and robbed me of my relationships. It got in the way of me communicating with my husband and made me feel misunderstood. Depression made me a stranger to my daughter as I stared and watched her play. She barely looked my way and I had no energy to intervene and say, "I'm here." Depression won today and took away my body. I sat on the couch for hours on end...

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The Brutal Truth of Pregnancy After Loss

pregnancy after loss

I've been away from the blog for nearly a month and I've really missed writing and connecting with all of you. On June 3 we found out we are expecting again. Due to a history of recurrent pregnancy loss, my doctor put me on progesterone treatments in hopes of helping my body hold the pregnancy. Well, I got every side effect mentioned and have not been able to function. It made me terribly nauseous, on top of what natural nausea would occur and it made my depression worse. The anti-nausea medication I'm on is also associated with making depression worse....

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Thorns

thorns poem

It's been a heck of a week for my body, building on a month of new recommendations. As the months pass, I seem to be adding more chronic pain specialists to my health team. While I'm excited to have all these doctors as resources, it's also a little depressing to be continuously referred and makes me feel like no one really knows what to do with me. The suggestions for care are getting more and more aggressive. Getting trigger point injections were already reaching my treatment threshold and earlier this month, I met with one of the "bigger chronic pain specialist."...

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Hiding in Plain Sight: A Battle With Depression

depression blog

Somedays I feel as though this uphill battle isn't going anywhere, that any gain that I have made throughout the day is taken from beneath my feet when the night approaches and I find myself back in the same valley when my eyes open the next morning. Depression isn't something I grew up with or grew up around, but the reality is that 20% of Canadians will experience mental illness in their lifetime. You know what I found as an even more disturbing statistic? That suicide accounts for 24% of deaths for ages 15-24, it is one of the leading causes for...

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Do Not Put Your Power in the Hands of the Healer

healer

My morning was spent at the chronic pain clinic in a class called Healing to Change Pain.  The goal of the class is discovering mindful ways to help chronic pain. It's been really hard for me to focus in this class, being stuck in a room with no windows for 90 minutes and being taught ways to regulate or be introduced to meditations. The seven of us in this class briefly share our stories, some are off work while others are taking time off for all their appointments. In this class, people's pain ranges from four to eleven on a ten...

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The Year of Truth: The Truth About Pain

The truth about pain is that it hurts, no matter how you look at it, it hurts.  For the past eleven years I've dealt with physical pain, it has become a part of me, but I try not to let it define me.  Last month I had a conversation with my dad, telling him that my pain may never go away, this may be something I have to deal with for the rest of my life.  He looked at me and said "no, you'll get better, how many days per week does it bother you?"  I replied "every day."  Every day it hurts, there...

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What Are You Taking to Bed With You?

The bedtime routine at our house is no easy feat.  Sometimes we literally have to chase our three year old upstairs and strip her to get her changed into pyjamas, followed by chasing her to get her teeth brushed, and finally chase her again to get her into bed.  She will of course try to ask for another book once we've read through her first choice, and when the lights are out, she'll ask me to tell her a story.  When I'm too lazy to read, I start a story and she fills in the blanks, which always end up...

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Honouring My Husband

Brian and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary this week.  On my Fifteen Questions for 2015 post, one of you asked "what's the magic that keeps it together between you and your husband?"  I gave a brief answer, but I could really write pages and pages on this.  Marriage isn't something Brian and I take lightly.  The night it all began, we were introduced in person, didn't say a word to each other all night, then chatted for hours on MSN when we got home.  After saying good night online, I did something crazy, I gave him my phone number.  He...

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