Finding Healing

I want to thank you. So many of you have been writing and texting to check-in and I appreciate every message. There has been a village around my family offering support and I am so grateful. Things have not been easy since my hospital stay. One large lesson I have learned so far is that healing is not linear, and this has been a very frustrating lesson. I have also acknowledged that grief, forgiveness, and many of the challenges we face are NOT linear! We live in a linear timeline and things requiring healing operate out of time. It's two...

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Tiny Bud

Tiny bud Who never got to bloom Firmly planted Uprooted too soon Like the breeze Against my cheek Gone before I could reach Like a sprinkle of rain Fall on me so I can feel Take me to the skies Like the clouds Swiftly changing My grief floats and hovers Planted in a season beyond time Blossoming petals of light The bouquet I delivered too soon * With Love and Light, Stefanie  

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What Common Diagnosis Landed Me in the Hospital?

what common diagnosis landed me in the hospital

This past week has been a whirlwind. Being on immunosuppressive therapy, I am advised to visit my doctor any time I get sick, even with the common cold. So when I came down with a fever, I called my rheumatologist who advised me to go see my GP for examination as soon as possible. The earliest I could be seen was the following morning. No big deal, it's just a fever. I've had fevers throughout my life. It can't be that bad. I wasn't even through my loading doses of the new treatment, so surely I wasn't fully immunosuppressed yet,...

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Day 3: Postpartum Depression

postpartum depression

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month! This week leading up to October 15th, I am partnering with fellow loss mama, and writer, Liz Mannegren, to help create discussion and raise awareness about this vitally important topic. This Motherhood Story Day 3 Journal Prompt: Take the time to be honest with yourself today. Journal about what pregnancy loss was really like emotionally. What emotions were present during the loss of your child? What physical symptoms did you notice due to your mood? Use as many descriptive words as you can to share your experience. I stood in my doctor’s office...

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Day 1: A Letter to Your Angel Baby

miscarriage letter

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month! This week leading up to October 15th, I am partnering with fellow loss mama and writer, Liz Mannegren, to help create discussion and raise awareness about this vitally important topic.  This Motherhood Story Day 1 Journal Prompt: What would you like to say to your baby? This can be one sentence, several pages, or even a drawing. Take your time. This is your love letter to your baby. Whether you type the letter, handwrite it and seal it in an envelope, do what feels right for you. My Sweet Heavenly Babies, Writing words to...

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Praying For My Husband’s Life

ecemom

My phone rang at 4:16pm and showed my husband's number. My heart skipped a beat knowing he should be on his motorcycle riding home from work. He shouldn't be calling me at this time, I thought. I was hoping he was calling to tell me that he was leaving the office late. "Hello?" "Hun." "Are you OK?!" "I got hit." "Are you OK!??!?!" "Ya....." His voice trailed off to a groan. "Do you need me to come get you?" "The ambulance is here." "OK. I'll meet you at the hospital." ENTER PANIC MODE! I beat him to the hospital. My...

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Enbrel Trial: The Tale of Thirteen Injections

I have been wanting to write for many weeks, but this medication makes me so fatigued. It's difficult to make it out of a dark room once I have put one of the girls to bed. The three month trial of Enbrel is officially complete. Last week I met with my rheumatologist. Accompanying me to each doctor's appointment is a list of questions stored on my phone. This is a running list of questions compiled between each appointment. I have a separate running note for every doctor. My memory is worse than it used to be and I really try to...

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The Gift of Spoons

spoon theory

Have you heard of the spoon theory? Soon after my diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis, I joined many online groups for support. I was confused when I read about people talking about spoons. In previous posts I have mentioned that I’m constantly calculating the cost of my day. Spoons is the analogy that those living with chronic illness use for energy, or the cost of each activity. Those of us living with chronic illness are known as Spoonies. After learning about this analogy it made me feel a little less insane. Some things I do to save spoons: - Load the...

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Battling Chronic Illness

chronic illness

I have known that this day was coming for the past five months. Treatment started today. Last October I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis and at that first appointment with the rheumatologist, she let me know the recommended treatment is biologics. I was not keen on this treatment as it meant that I'd have to inject myself weekly. I had attributed my pain to being rear-ended three times and had hopes of it going away. While the motor vehicle accidents contributed to the pain and flares, a diagnosis of an autoimmune disease meant this pain was here to stay. As the...

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Repurposing Time to Repurpose My Marriage

stefanie tong

Time is subjective. We all crave more of it, and try to pack as much as we can into the 24 hours that we are given each day. The minutes quickly turn into hours, hours into days, and soon we are measuring in years. It has been eight years since I vowed that death would be the only thing that would separate me from my husband. When we met, it took me minutes to realize that I enjoyed talking to Brian. Minutes easily turned into hours on the phone when we were dating. It was three days of phone calls...

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