On The Day I Became Mommy

on the day i became mommy

Four years ago I became Mommy because of you. Nine months prior to that a little positive sign changed my life. You were only the size of sesame seed and you captured my heart forever. I'd do anything for you. On the day I became Mommy I was nervous. Daddy took me to the hospital for a routine non-stress test. We were usually in and out within 30 minutes, but it was over an hour this day and I was still lying there with monitors strapped to my belly listening to your heartbeat. The OB came in to say that...

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Tales from 2015

talesfrom2015

Each night after getting our daughter to sleep and finishing up the chores, my husband and I try to unwind together, usually over a treat that we've hidden from our three year old or a glass of wine. (I miss ice wine. Six more weeks until our due date.) I made a comment to my husband how it's been a tough year, that 2016 will be our year, and then I said, "I know I've been saying that for the past two years, but maybe if I keep saying it, it will come true." We both broke out into laughter....

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A Silent Christmas

silent christmas

It's common this time of year to over schedule ourselves between work events, parties with friends, and family gatherings. I absolutely love Christmas, learning about different traditions, starting new traditions as a family, the yummy food, all while celebrating our Saviour's birth. Before opening her advent gift each day, I read the story of Jesus' birth to my daughter. Since she's heard the story for one week now, I've started to ask her questions: Me: Where was Jesus born? 3yo: In a manger with the animals. (She got me there, I was going for Bethleham.) Me: What gifts did the wise...

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The Road to Forty Weeks – Week 30

We've made it to week 30 in this pregnancy. I can't believe we're counting down weeks now. One of the week to week pregnancy websites told me I should pack my hospital bag this week. We're close, but we're not that close, or are we? I still remain in the high risk category. From internal hemorrhaging, to low laying placenta and beyond, baby and I continue to be under close watch of my GP and OB. Two weeks ago I had to spend a night at the hospital due to some bleeding. After two miscarriages, the sight of blood obviously sent...

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered

I mentioned a few months ago that I was offered the opportunity to publish my memoir. Well, after much prayer and research, I'm going for it. The publishing agreement has been signed, sealed and delivered. Usually, the publishing timeline is about three to four months, but I've asked to take this project really slow. It is a unique emotional space to be in, being pregnant and working on the story of our miscarriages. It's holding the grief and memory of my children in heaven while trying to trust that my body will carry this baby to term and have a safe...

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Happy Birthday, My Dear Baby in Heaven

I think that somehow with time it will get easier, this void, this pain in my chest, this absence on earth. Somehow I fool myself into believing that I will be OK, that these dates on the calendar will be manageable and that I will be functional. However, when I find myself alone and safe to feel what it is I need to feel, there is no fooling myself. It hurts, it aches, it wrenches. I miss the baby I will never hold, especially on this day, her birthday. I didn't have much capacity to write, but the following lines came...

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I Let My Child Cry

ecemom

In the past two weeks, our three year old has been displaying some new behaviour. When she asks for something, she wants it "now" and there seems to be no way to negotiate around it. If her immediate want isn't met, the whining and tears begin. Some of the wants have not even been possible, "I want to make jello now." It would be nice if we actually had any jello in the house, but we didn't. Her world crumbled. Today she woke up from her nap and requested popcorn and a movie. My husband and I agreed we could do this after...

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Pumpkin Picking and Pumpkin Activities

I've made it to week 25 in this pregnancy journey and finally back up to my pre-pregnancy weight. I lost eight pounds, and it took until now to gain it back. My appetite is nearly back to normal, but I still have many aversions. Progress is slow, but I'm able to make it out of the house about twice per week during the day for about an hour. My time out of the house is usually reserved for my appointments and if I'm feeling well enough, I make it to pick Maliya up from preschool. The highlight of my week was...

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The Art of Making Tang Yuan

tang yuan

One thing I love about fall is all the comfort food, the stews, slow cooked soups and Chinese soups. When my grandma makes traditional Chinese food, I can easily have two to three helpings and wish I had room in my stomach for more. One of the traditional foods I grew up eating was tang yuan or tong yoon (Cantonese pronunciation). It's simple to make and I was often at the side of my Poh Poh (Maternal Grandma) rolling the dough into balls. This week, my daughter and her Poh Poh continued a family tradition and made tang yuan together for...

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5 Ways to Navigate Through the Loss of Miscarriage

I post to Facebook nearly everyday and would love to connect with you there.

Thirteen months ago, I experienced my first miscarriage and it has been a whirlwind of a journey since then. There was nothing that could've prepared me for the shock and heartache I lived through, that I continue to live through. Next month will mark the due date of my second miscarriage. I cannot even look at a calendar in the same way. It is now filled with dates that are forever imprinted on my heart, dates we found out we were expecting, dates of our losses and due dates, which I now call my babies birthdays. The first two weeks after our...

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